Heart, Spirit & Mind

December 26, 2016
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Deflection undermines good relationships


People often confuse discussions with argument. The differences can be subtle.   One form of communication is productive while the other is not.

When you discuss something, you have a conversation with another person. One party speaks while the other actively listens and attempts to understand the other parties point of view with the objective to find common ground and peaceful resolution.

When you argue, you talk AT them and instead of actively listening, you spend that time formulating a counter-argument and judging them. Continue Reading →

January 10, 2016

What is self-deception?

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true. ~Demosthenes

self deceptionWhat is self-deception? How can you deceive yourself? Simply stated, self-deception is about unawareness. It is the thoughts that we hide from ourselves. If there is something we don’t like about ourselves instead of admitting it and confronting it to resolve it, we would rather gloss over it and move on to nicer things that make us feel good. We are uncomfortable dwelling on things that might make us question ourselves and our choices. We do this because if we are aware of it, it may require us to take action.

The problem with self deception is that we aren’t as perfect as we desire to be. We dare not admit that, especially to ourselves. Instead we live out our lives in a ‘manufactured’ way. We have trouble letting things fall as they may, and accepting and being responsible for the consequences.

If we were more comfortable with ourselves we would not feel the need to hide our true nature from ourselves or other, nor would we need to act or be something that we are not. The longer we do it, the harder it is to extract ourselves from it for fear of humiliation. It forces us to continue to lie, and we dig ourselves into a deeper and deeper hole spiraling out of control.

The person being hurt and being deceived the most is our self. In some cases, others see through our games while others do not. The problem with these games is that over time it will effect us in ways we did not realize.  After all, if we are not truly being ourselves how can we expect to experience life to its fullest and realize our true potential.

Continue Reading →

September 9, 2014

Two phrases that harm intimacy and relationships

There are two phrases in relationships that can disarm an honest conversation.

When your partner comes to you about a problem in your relationship and wants to talk to you, these two phrases disarm her. They are:  “I’m sorry you feel that way” and “Let’s discuss this later.” She is disarmed because she feels disrespected, marginalized, handled or invalidated.  She definitely does not feel like she is being heard. It will result in damaging the relationship.

Often these phrases are used by people who want to avoid having an honest conversation or being accountable for their words or actions. When you partner tells you to discuss things later, what they are really saying is, “your point of view is making me uncomfortable. I’d rather move away from it because I can’t answer your concerns.” It’s a way to avoid taking responsibility. Continue Reading →

April 8, 2014

How to be a reliable person

Reliable people can be trusted

Reliable people can be trusted

Being reliable is an important building block in the foundation of your life.

We have all experienced reliable and unreliable people . We admire the reliable, and avoid the unreliable. So how do you become a person worthy of admiration?

A reliable person forges deeper relationships. Relationships are built on trust; without them, they wither and die. Being reliable builds that trust – your friends and loved ones know that they can count on you to keep your word, be there when you’ll say you’ll be, and do what you say you’ll do. They feel secure that you’ll be the same person day after day, no matter what happens.  An unreliable person can be capricious with their heart, showing people affection one day and then becoming remote the next. They can be patient with your weaknesses on one day, and rageful at the slightest provocation the next. If your mood and behavior is inconsistent and unreliable, people you love will naturally withdraw from you because they feel they have to walk on eggshells in your presence. Continue Reading →

December 29, 2013

Getting the love you want

Broken BoundariesYou know the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. You also know that the best way to avoid getting what you don’t want is to say “NO”. Then why are these two simple things so hard to do when you are in an intimate relationship? The difficulty in these simple tasks comes up because we fear the pain of being rejected. You are taking a chance when you ask for exactly what you want in a relationship because you run the risk of refusal, and that can feel like rejection…painful! For some, depending upon childhood experiences, you may feel as though you have done something wrong when your partner refuses your request. There can be a feeling that YOU have been rejected. Partners will always make requests of you, and there is nothing wrong with that. But, if you are not comfortable with the request and you comply with it anyway you will begin to resent the other person. You may even begin to resent yourself for going along with something you don’t believe in. If you’re not getting what you want, or if you’re giving what you don’t want, pressure will build up and there will be an explosion! Continue Reading →

October 30, 2013

Lies we tell ourselves about our relationships

pinocchioI have spent most of my adult life where you are.  I understand the confusion, the heartbreak and the daily chaos you live with.  I have told myself the same things that you tell yourself. I have rationalized and justified the insanity of an relationship that wasn’t emotionally safe for me.

I have also overcome those obstacles.   It wasn’t easy. It took extreme circumstances to get myself out of that dysfunctional mindset.  I still look to renew my own strength everyday and am ever determined to break the cycle that has plagued me my entire adult life.

The first step is to stop lying to ourselves.

1) This is normal

You tell yourself that your relationship is typical of most relationships.  All relationships have their ups and downs right?  You ignore the fact that you are constantly hurting.  You ignore that you are constantly strategizing ways to get your partner to understand your point of view.  You prove over and over that you are worthy of their love.  You excuse misunderstandings saying that your partner is going through a rough patch, and it will improve.

It is illogical for you partner to verbally abuse you, their greatest ally and advocate. Blame, shame, confusion, diminishment, sarcasm and manipulations are not normal and regular responses for having a bad day and have no place in a healthy, loving relationship. Continue Reading →

September 19, 2013

Love isn’t always enough

broken-loveYou have been with your partner for a long time. You have been through many trials and tribulations and you survived, but you aren’t thriving.  You have worked at your relationship and given it your all. You’ve even tried counseling. You have tried to put leaving the relationship out of your mind, but it keeps coming back.  You know things just aren’t working right, but you remain indecisive, unable to decide whether you should leave the relationship.  Continue Reading →

September 8, 2013

Five ways to destroy a relationship

Destroy RelationshipIt’s easier to destroy a relationship than to keep it together. Relationships are doomed if both partners aren’t a hundred percent committed to making the relationship work.  Unfortunately, people do not know how to do that.

Here are some ways people destroy their relationships

  1. Loss of respect. Name call when you fight. Nothing hurts more than having someone you love call you names.  Embarrassing your partner publicly by making snide or sarcastic comments. Forget  to be considerate and fail to practice basic common courtesies. If you make your partner feel like you don’t respect them, then they will become resentful and begin to stray from you. They will eventually stay away from you and seek attention and validation elsewhere. Continue Reading →

April 1, 2013

Understanding anger will set you free to love

angerThere are times or experiences in our lives that can be difficult and illicit very strong feelings. Some of the strongest emotions we feel are anger, forgiveness and love. These three emotions effect all relationships. The closer you are to someone, the more these emotions will effect your relationship.

Forgiveness is a difficult emotion for some people to master. Often hurt, resentment and feelings of betrayal get in the way of forgiveness. Lack of forgiveness toward a person who has hurt you however can be destructive. It can be a poison that slowly kills love until the relationship is unsalvageable.

In order to forgive someone, you must first express and release your own anger. Expressing and releasing your feelings is critical to begin healing. In order to do so you must first fully understand your own feelings of love, anger and let go of your resentments. Doing this will allows you to move on. It frees you from your own hurt and opens the space in your relationship for total forgiveness. Continue Reading →

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