Heart, Spirit & Mind

Love me as I am, not how you want me to be

When you are in a relationship, it is part of a very special, intimate experience. It should provide you with a level of love and acceptance that provides comfort and security. You will feel loved and appreciated emotionally. You will feel able to express your emotions openly and freely.

Some people want to change themselves to please their partner. Often it isn’t for the right reasons. When you attempt to be someone you are not, you do act incongruent with your true self. When you do this, you will always feel a sense of not being good enough. This in turn lowers your self esteem.

When you make changes to yourself, you must do so because you want to do it for yourself. This kind of motivation must stem from deep inside of you. Twisting yourself to be someone, or something different than you are, simply to please, your partner means you are living a lie. You are lying to yourself and your partner because you put on a facade that isn’t the real you. When you act from inauthenticity, the person you love doesn’t get to see the real you, nor do you give them a chance to love you for who you truly are.

The problem with false changes is that they can’t last. This is because it is a difficult job to be someone you are not. To keep up with a lie is exhausting emotionally and physically. Maintaining a false image of yourself indefinitely is very difficult.

When people do this, they give away their power in the relationship. This results in them completely losing themselves. They lose their power because they are too needy, or expend so much effort people pleasing that they become someone other than who they are.

In order to take back your power, you need to do things on your own. The more those things intimidate you, the more you should do them. With each tiny step you take, pat yourself on the back. You will become stronger and more courageous and powerful. You won’t have to tell anyone what you have done. The energy you exude will emanate from you. You will stand just a little taller, shine brighter and smile more often. Your confidence will precede each step you take. Confidence attracts quality others and this too will empower you and make you irresistible.

You can also reclaim your power by discovering, or rediscovering what you makes you happy in your life. People-pleasers often lose touch with that they really love because they spend so much energy outside themselves, focusing on making others happy.

The best way to love others is to love yourself first. The first step is to please yourself because pleasing another is dependent on a lot of circumstances you cannot control. You can’t make another person happy. They have to make themselves happy. Also, when you do things that make you happy, you give yourself love. When you fulfill your own needs, you are no longer needy. When you allow yourself to nurture, love and bring joy into your life, you fill yourself with all the tools you need to make yourself happy. The more love you have inside of you, the more you have to give to others. Giving of yourself freely and sincerely allows you to feel a sense of fulfillment.

If he or she suggests changes, by all means, make those changes. However, only make them if you are comfortable with those changes, and you are not compromising yourself and the true essence of who you are.  When you decide to make changes, try to make changes that make you feel better about yourself. When you are doing something in order to get the approval or validation of your partner, then you are also allowing yourself to be judged and controlled. This will only lead to you feeling powerless, helpless and inadequate.

Change is a choice up to you. You get to decide how, what and when you make changes in your life. When you are more independent, you prove to yourself that you can do more than you thought you could do. This will help you maintain autonomy in your relationships.

In the event that your partner choses to move on, you’ll be empowered to be on your own.  Consider it a gift because you allowed your authentic self to do things that truly bring you joy.  This will attract the love that you deserve and a partnership that is true for you. Being true to yourself is the only way you will be secure that you are loved for who you are.

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